It happened. You find yourself somehow in a horror movie and the only way to survive is by reaching the end of the movie. This happened to a group of teenagers in the horror slasher parody, “The Final Girls”. This gave me the incentive to compile a list of rules which ultimately will help you in the event, the impossible scenario does occur.
— 1 —
If you are a girl and blonde, you should consider changing your hair color. No other change will increase your survival chances more than this. Brunettes have a long history of coming out alive in horror movies.
— 2 —
If you are a boy and having a blonde girlfriend who is also a cheerleader, the best thing you can do is to dump her and go with the weird chick with smarts who nobody seems to like.
— 3 —
Don’t take a shower. Seriously. When you have the slight feeling being trapped in a horror movie, this is the worse move you can do. It’s like inviting the villain to kill you. Since the Phycho, killing in the shower can be found in almost any horror movie made.
— 4 —
Eat more gum and stay away from brushing your teeth. The Murder is always behind you when you buck to spit in front of your mirror.
— 5 —
Stay away from sex. Point 3 and 4 help in this regard. From the moment you lose control, you can consider yourself a dead man/woman. Nothing is sealing your death more successfully than this act of passion.
— 6 —
If you are a Virgin, try to stay so until you are sure the Killer is really dead. Virginity is the best armor you can have against any psychopathic killer.
— 7 —
The Killer is never dead the first time you kill him. Ensure he stays dead. Chop his head, arms, legs. Burn him, bury him. Put him in a vessel full of acid. Whatever you do, don’t turn your back when he lies around.
— 8 —
Never ever say, “It’s over!”, or “We made it!”. This isn’t the end. At least not for the movie 😉
— 9 —
Needless to say, but don’t tell anybody around you, “I will be right back”. The sure thing is this won’t happen as you put basically your gravestone upon yourself.
— 10 —
Never answer the phone. You put a bullseye on your chest. Caller ID can help here, but killers are smart and could use the cell phone of your best friend. Of course, your friend is dead…
— 11 —
When entering your car, always check your back seats.
— 12 —
Your car and cell phone will lose reliability from the moment you need them to survive from a killer chasing you. Even if your car has a full tank and your cell phone is fully charged they will not work for a crazy reason.
— 13 —
Don’t get drunk or do drugs. Your Killer is sober, better face him with full strength.
— 14 —
Don’t hitchhike or do hitchhiking. Most of the times, your co-passenger isn’t the killer, but they are always creepy as hell and they could just bring you closer to your end.
— 15 —
Don’t take on babysitting duty, during a storm, Halloween, or Friday the 13th. Babysitters are common victims of murderers and die in the first scene. Even if you survive, your mental therapy bills will way exceed your babysit income.
— 16 —
If you are a babysitter and you don’t want to follow my above advice, then get at least a boyfriend. Yes, he will get horribly murdered in front of you, but he will buy you some time.
— 17 —
In a stormy night, you come back home and find a window open that you were sure it was close. Don’t bother to close it for god sake. Run! Forrest, Run!
— 18 —
Well, this brings us to a skill, that will increase your survival chances rapidly. Run faster than anybody else. Having fat friends helps. Sorry…
— 19 —
As fast as you run, be sure your killer will always be behind you. If you turn your head back, he will be appearing in front of you. This is the truth, despite the fact, your killer is running slower and your lungs, on the contrary, are about to explode.
— 20 —
You can’t outrun your killer, but you can run to a place, where you can fight him. There are 4 places to avoid when you face this option. a) Your Neighbors. They are never there when you need them. They are on vacation, don’t want to get disturbed, are 99 years old and need half an hour to reach the door or are already killed by your Villain. If you know a way to sneak into their home and you know they are weapon fanatics, it is a good option. b) The Police. They’re always coming too late, or when they come in time, they get killed every time. You have to explain, unbelievable things and they don’t take you seriously until it’s too late. In the worst-case scenario, they’ll put you in jail or locked in one of their cars. Perfect spots to be trapped and get killed. c) Your car. You can’t find your keys or your keys drop when you eagerly try to escape your death. Your windows aren’t closed, your machine doesn’t start or when you succeed with starting, the killer jumps on your car and you crash it, and you can’t escape out of it. d) Upstairs. You are in your home and run to escape your killer by trapping yourself in the first floor. Good job.
— 21 —
Visit only places with happy sounding names. Barcelona, good. Sleepy Hollow, bad. New York, good. Silent Creek, bad.
— 22 —
Siblings are what Vitamin C is to your health. A brother or a sister is a great insurance policy when dealing with a maniac killer. Statistically, your chances to survive increase dramatically with a brother/sister around you. So, when you find yourself in dear trouble, one call, that’s all.
— 23 —
Turn the lights on. When you have the option, it’s always good to see what’s in front of you.
— 24 —
If you are throwing away a doll and come back home to find it waiting for you, don’t bother about your job raise or where to go with your girlfriend this evening. Go to the airport, book randomly a ticket which takes you fast out of the country, change your identity and live as a monk in some rural place.
— 25 —
Don’t be funny or a smart ass. Killers love to kill the funny ones in the middle of the movie. Remember you want to survive the end. Be a serious and boring survivor.
— 26 —
Don’t go to investigate a creepy looking place. A House of Wax is one, a Cemetery with a gothic look too, Michael Myers house, or a garage full of utensils that can kill you and smells like dead rat lies somewhere around. Get your curiosity under control.
— 27 —
Let’s say you didn’t hear me and you are entering a place without permission. Don’t walk around and say, “Hello? Is someone here?”. Yes, there is someone there and you don’t want to meet him.
— 28 —
Whatever you do. Don’t go to that basement. Even if someone tells you to do it, you have to convincingly say, “No!”.
— 29 —
You are in a group of people, probably your friends and want to investigate the place faster. I understand that out of group pressure you didn’t follow rule 25. Then, one fellow has a suggestion. To split up. For god sake, don’t do it on any occasion, you are as good as dead.
— 30 —
You are exploring a place and hear something. Someone tells you the noise is just the wind. No!!! It never is just the wind. It is a good time to run like the wind!
— 31 —
If you have a history of mental illness, don’t bother to find the killer. You will discover by the end that you are the one who killed everyone.
— 32 —
You are in your home and you hear a weird noise. Never go downstairs, especially not in your underwear.
— 33 —
If you are hiding from a killer, under the bed is a bad hiding place. Your closet is the next worse hiding place, that’s so cliché, that even the worse killer around has to look at those two places. And no, your shower isn’t good to hide either. Remember rule 3. Your bathroom is a no go place.
— 34 —
If you found a good hiding place, wherever it could be, do you a favor and put your cell phone on silent.
— 35 —
You moved into a house where someone got murdered. You hear weird noises, objects move around and walls are behaving strangely. This isn’t your lovely killer from flesh and blood. You need a pastor, some demonologists and strong nerves. Ahh, just move out as fast as you can.
— 36 —
You are a boy. You are positively sure that you find yourself in a slasher horror movie. You can do one thing. Forget all the above rules and enjoy your last moments. Drink, do drugs, have sex with that crazy hot blonde who’s also a cheerleader, behave like a macho, make fun inappropriate jokes, be a smart ass and wait for the moment to come. In a slasher movie, there’s only one survivor, the final girl.
— 37 —
There are some exceptions to the above rule as seen for example in Scream, but hey you never know, life is short, take what it offers as tomorrow could be too far away. As a rule of thumb in such a dilemma. You have to wage what is more important to you and decide if that hot blonde is worth your life.