How to Survive Horror Movie Checklist: Follow these 25 essential rules if you ever find yourself stuck inside a horror movie.
It happened, your nightmare has come to life. You somehow find yourself trapped in a horror movie and the only way to survive is by reaching the end of the movie.
This happened to a group of teenagers in the horror slasher parody, ‘The Final Girls’. This film prompted me to compile this list of ‘How to Survive Horror Movie’ rules, which ultimately will help you, should this rather unlikely event occur. For the ultra-paranoid, you may wish to print off this how to survive horror movie checklist and keep it stashed safely under your pillow or in your underwear, or somewhere else equally accessible, just in case this happens to you.
How to Survive Horror Movie Checklist
Rule 1: No blonde girls
If you are a girl and blonde, you should consider changing your hair color. No other change will increase your survival chances more than this. Brunettes have a long history of coming out alive in horror movies.
Rule 2: Dump your blonde cheerleader girlfriend
If you have a blonde girlfriend who is also a cheerleader, the best thing you can do is to break up with her and go with the weird chick with smarts who nobody seems to like. Sorry, you will have to part with her…
Rule 3: Avoid showering
Don’t take a shower. Seriously. When you have even just the slightest feeling of being trapped in a horror movie, this is the worst move you can do. It’s like inviting the villain to kill you. Since ‘Psycho’, killing in the shower can be found in almost any horror movie made.
Rule 3: Avoid brushing teeth
Stay away from brushing your teeth and perhaps chew gum instead. The murderer always pops up behind your back when you lean down to spit in front of your mirror.
Rule 4: Avoid sex
Stay away from sex. Rules 3 & 4 will help you in this regard. From the moment you lose control, you can consider yourself a dead man/woman. Nothing is sealing your death more successfully than this act of passion. If you are a virgin, try to stay so until you are sure the killer is really dead – virginity is the best armor you can have against any psychopathic killer.
Rule 5: Kill them twice
The killer is never dead the first time you kill him. Ensure he stays dead. Chop off his head, arms and legs. Burn him, bury him. Put him in a vat full of acid. Whatever you do, do not turn your back when he lies down.
Rule 6: Choose your words wisely
Never, ever say “It’s over!” or “We made it!”. This isn’t the end, at least not for the movie. Needless to say, but don’t tell anybody around you “I will be right back” – it’s a sure thing this won’t happen since you have now basically put a gravestone upon yourself.
Rule 7: Don’t answer the phone
Never answer the phone. By doing so, you basically put a bullseye on your chest and may as well answer “Hello? I’m ready to die.” Caller ID can be a neat workaround, but killers are smart and could use the cell phone of your best friend. Of course, your friend is dead by this point…
Rule 8: Check backseat of car
No complete no-brainer, but before entering your car, always check your back seats.
Rule 9: Keep spare batteries/phone/fuel
Your car and cell phone will lose reliability from the moment you need them to survive from a killer chasing you. Even if your car has a full tank and your cell phone is fully charged they will not work for some odd reason. Keep a spare phone and car battery on hand at all times, plus a jerry can of fuel in case you get stuck in the middle of nowhere.
Rule 10: Avoid hitch-hiking
Another no brainer, but don’t hitch-hike, no matter how much you need a ride. Most of the time, your co-passenger isn’t the killer, but they are always creepy as hell and they could just bring you closer to your end.
Rule 11: Avoid babysitting
Don’t take on any babysitting duties during a storm, Halloween or Friday the 13th. Babysitters are common victims of murderers and die in the first scene. Even if you survive, your therapy bills will way exceed your babysitting income. If you are a babysitter and you don’t want to follow this advice, then get at least a boyfriend. Yes, he will get horribly murdered in front of you, but he will buy you some time.
Rule 12: Don’t close the window
On a stormy night, if you come back home and find a window open that you were sure was closed, don’t bother to close it for god’s sake. “Huh. I’m pretty sure that one was closed??” Run! Forrest, Run!
Rule 13: Become a marathon sprinter
Well, this brings us to a skill that will increase your survival chances rapidly. Run faster than anybody else – having fat friends helps. When you run, be absolutely sure your killer always stays behind you. If you turn your head to look back, he will suddenly appear right in front of you. This is the strange truth, despite the fact that your killer is running slower than you.
Rule 14: Choose your fighting place
You can’t outrun your killer, but you can run to a place where you can fight him. Decide ahead of time where this place will be, and hopefully that way you will have the upper hand.
There are 4 places to avoid:
- Your Neighbors. They are never there when you need them. They are on vacation, don’t want to get disturbed, are 99 years old and need half an hour to reach the door or have already been killed. If you know a way to sneak into their home and you know they are weapon fanatics, it is a good option however.
- The Police. They’re always too late, or when they come in time, they get killed every time. You have to explain, unbelievable things and they don’t take you seriously until it’s too late. In the worst-case scenario, they’ll put you in jail or locked up in one of their cars, both of which are perfect spots to be trapped and get killed.
- Your Car. You can’t find your keys or your keys drop while you eagerly try to escape your death. Your car doesn’t start or if you do succeed at starting it, then the killer jumps on your car and you crash it, and you can’t escape out of it.
- Upstairs. You are in your home and run to escape your killer by trapping yourself on the first floor. Good job.
Rule 15: Get your sisters and brothers around
Siblings are what Vitamin C is to your health. A brother or a sister is a great insurance policy when dealing with a maniac killer. Statistically, your chances of surviving increase dramatically with a brother/sister around you. So, when you find yourself in dear trouble, one call, that’s all.
Rule 16: Turn the lights on
Turn the lights on. When you have the option, it’s always good to see what’s in front of you.
Rule 17: Beware unwanted dolls
If you throw away a doll and come back home to find it waiting for you, don’t bother about your job or where to go with your girlfriend this evening. Go to the airport, book the next ticket out of the country, change your identity and live as a monk in some rural place.
Rule 18: Don’t be a wanker
Don’t try to be funny or a smart ass. Killers love to kill the funny ones in the middle of the movie. Remember, you want to survive until the end. Just sit tight and be a serious, boring survivor.
Rule 19: Avoid creepy places
Only visit places with happy sounding names. Barcelona, good. Sleepy Hollow, bad. New York, good. Silent Creek, bad. Don’t go investigating creepy looking places on your vacation. A House of Wax is one, a cemetery with a gothic look is another, not to mention a shed full of tools that can kill you and smells like dead rats. Get your curiosity under control.
Now, if you do happen to enter one of these places without permission, don’t walk around and say “Hello? Is someone here?”. Yes, there is someone there and you don’t want to meet him.
And whatever you do, don’t go into that basement. Even if someone tells you to do it, you just have to say “No!” The basement might not even seem that creepy, but just don’t.
Rule 20: Stay together
You are in a group of people in an unknown place, your friends probably want to investigate the place faster. Then, one fellow has a suggestion, to split up. For god’s sake, don’t do it in any case, or you are as good as dead. Remember: Group of people = Stay together as much as possible.
Rule 21: Beware unexpected sounds
If you are in your home and hear a weird noise, never go downstairs, especially not in your underwear. Likewise, if you are exploring a place and hear something, and someone tells you the noise is just the wind, oh, hell no it’s not. It is never just the wind. It is a good time to run like the wind!
Rule 22: Check yourself in
If you have a history of mental illness, don’t bother looking for the killer. You will discover by the end that you are the one who killed everyone else.
Rule 23: Find a good hiding spot
If you are hiding from a killer, under the bed is a bad hiding place. Your closet is the next worst hiding place. They are so cliché that even the worst killer around will most certainly look in those two places. And no, your shower isn’t good to hide in either. In fact, your entire bathroom is a no-go zone. If you find a good hiding place, wherever it is, do yourself a favor and put your phone on silent.
Rule 24: Move out of the haunted house
You moved into a house where someone got murdered. You hear weird noises, objects move around, and the walls are behaving strangely. This isn’t your regular flesh and blood killer. You need a pastor, some demonologists and strong nerves. Better yet, just move out as fast as you can, and leave it with the next owners.
Rule 25: Enjoy life and accept that death is inevitable
This rule is particularly important if you are male and positively certain that you have found yourself in a slasher horror movie. You can do one thing. Forget all the above rules and enjoy your last moments. Drink, do drugs, have sex with that crazy hot blonde who’s also a cheerleader, behave like a macho, make fun inappropriate jokes, be a smart ass and wait for the moment to come.
After all, in a slasher movie there’s only one survivor, and that’s the final girl.
There are some exceptions, but hey you never know. Life is short, take what it offers, as tomorrow could be gone. Just wage what is more important to you and decide for yourself if that hot blonde is worth your life. Remember, we’re all gonna die sometime!
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